On my walk today, I spotted a lady squatting by some shrubs, crying. My first instinct was to approach her, but when I got closer, I noticed that she was on the phone. As I drew back to give her the privacy she may require, I had flashbacks of 3 incidents, which occured decades ago, which I share in no specific order:
Incident 1
I was on the queue to check in for a flight when I saw a woman sobbing uncontrollably near the check-in desk. She cried so much that everyone on the queue was so taken aback wondering what could be the matter. She just wouldn’t stop, so I went up to her, keen to offer some support and a listening ear. As soon as I spoke, she shouted loudly ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’
I was embarrassed and hurt and drew back immediately.
Incident 2
A single mum had just got married and was on her way to board a flight with her husband, to his country. She had to leave her 5 year old daughter behind with the child’s grandma for a few months and she was distraught, she wept so much! As I was part of the wedding party, I attempted to put my arm around her to console her but she sobbed louder and said ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’
Incident 3
(I haven’t always been on the receiving end). This time, it was me!
Decades ago, a colleague had parked right in front of my car in the employee carpark and blocked me in. I was horrified as the colleague was nowhere to be found and I had to pick up my daughter from daycare. Another colleague came over to put his arm around me and tell me it will be ok. I removed his arm abruptly and told him to ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ (I felt so bad and apologised later)
My Coach Training brought the lessons from the above incidents home to me. Looking back, I now know that there is a time to offer immediate support and a time to give people a moment with their emotions i.e to LEAVE THEM ALONE.
For example, in the above situations, a more appropriate way to respond is to give the people the time they need and then say something like: ‘I am sorry that you are feeling so sad / this way, how may I support you?’
During coaching sessions, clients can get emotional as they tell their story or when they hit deep realisations. With coach training, I have learnt that the right thing to do is to hold down time and space for clients to process their emotions until they feel ready to share. I thereafter check in with them and offer support as needed.
As a HR professional / leader / parent, you may experience a natural urge to jump in and provide solutions to people who may be struggling. It may feel like you know just what they need or what to do, so why not help?
May I encourage you to first assess the situation, give them a moment to process their emotions and ask them how best you can support them.
This show of empathy rather than sympathy almost always yields significantly more positive results.
*This does not include emergency or extreme situations where immediate intervention is necessary.
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